Lessons Learned

by TheBloomingIdiot

For the second straight year I have decided to share some of the lessons I learned during my 82-day hiatus from the workaday world. When you don’t have to spend 1/3 of your day five days per week performing tasks as assigned by someone else you have time for frivolous, human activities like learning about yourself, the world around you, and life. Note: Please do not expect these lessons to be especially profound. Just because an observation is true (or truish) does not guarantee that it is deep or even useful.

  • Life moves pretty slow, if you blink it can create a sort of strobe light effect that’s kind of cool
  • YOLO. Not that “you only live once” (which I figured out when I was six) but that this is what YOLO stands for. Somehow I managed to avoid learning this until June.
  • Wearing a Superman shirt to the gym is less embarrassing than one might think.
  • If you’re going to say “I’m so effin’ sexy” in a public place do it with authority.
  • Some people conceive of Heaven as an outdoor mall where the guardian angels are African-American women and a small delegation representing every waiter you’ve ever given a generous tip will sing you a Christmas carol.
  • If your strategy is to play the long-game make sure you know how much time is left on the clock.
  • Lucian Freud has been to my gym.
  • The area code for Wyoming is 307.
  • If someone takes the trouble to advertise that they’ve put cardamom in something it’s probably worth giving a try.
  • People who have spent time in Santa Fe are diplomatic about what they think of it until you’ve been there yourselfthen they’re far more forthcoming.
  • Breaking a world record is actually pretty easy.
  • Salt & Straw sells at least one type of ice cream that can cure a migraine. Not sure if this is true should you eat it with a fork.
  • There are more well-maintained vintage cars in Oregon than you’d expect.
  • You don’t really know a place until you’ve written a lengthy description of it.
  • There are no happy endings, only happy middlesand for some people even the prospect of a happy middle is slight.
  • Just when you think James Franco can’t get any more lame and idiotic you find out that he’s even more lame and idiotic than you think. Then he gets more lame and idiotic.
  • While I was overjoyed to have a good friend marry into my family some of my friends are less than enthusiastic about the idea of my marrying into theirs.
  • Tony award-winner and three-time Oscar nominee Joan Allen spends more time in your bathroom than you do.
  • The essence of Portland cuisine is high-end versions of low-rent dishes and low-rent versions of high-end dishes.
  • “Women have roles. After you learn that you’ll stop objectifying them.”
  • Sometimes your penance takes the form of paying Facebook $1.
  • Washing your hands is the most important, rewarding thing you can do all day.
  • Russia has nine time zones. It used to have eleven.
  • The secret to drinking heavily without getting a hangover is to drink eight types of alcohol.
  • Nothing may not take up a lot of space but it takes up a surprising amount of timemore time, in fact, than most Things. I’m going to miss having nothing to do.